We need a thread for funny stuff.

[littleoldme]

This cracked me up


The Darwin Awards


Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.


Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he
ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.



Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When
it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach
used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach
him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to
free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.


Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed
into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
mouth and pull the trigger.


Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front
door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the
store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers
also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the
scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot
wounds. Ballistics identified rou nds from 7 different weapons. No one
else was hurt.


HONOURABLE MENTION


Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at
2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window
to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window
was closed.


RUNNER UP


Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival
at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a
bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by.
They secured
one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other ! ;to the bridge.
His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot
off at the ankle.. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water
and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never
located.


AND THE WINNER IS...

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the
elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit
happens'


IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES
FROM THE GENE POOL

[BO]

Lately, the 'slip craft' on my backside has been getting a lot more use than the 'slip craft' on my other side. If you nose what I mean.

[Cal]

Sorry to hear that Bo.  Does that mean I am the last of the corporate slaves here?

 

I went to the coast today ... very difficult life style choice to make.  Between a house about 2km from the sea which means I am mortgaged to the neck until I die or retire or get retrenched.  Or a house 30km inland in a town whose main attraction is the N/S highway junction just next to it.  I can pay cash ... no banks, no bonds ... little wooden house I'll probably never be able to sell.  And I can't walk on the beach with my dogs.  Not a safe town at all.  But the freedom!?!?

 

In a way the choice has been made for me I think.  The coast guy built an illegal structure on his property - a little flat.  He wants me to pay half to get it legal.  I can't.  So I had to drive off & say the deal was off.  Sort of disappointed to the point of tears & great despondency and sort of relieved.

 

[BO]

Hey, at least the IMF chief is still in jail. That's cause for celebration.

What happened to the other house you were going to buy? The one with the triangle dormers? I musta missed the post about that one.

Enjoy the process. The solution is often contained in the unexpected. Keep your mind open so you don't miss it when it presents itself.

The key is to not sit with your thoughts, but to get out and roam around. Let fate do the rest.

 

Am I full of shit, or what?

[Cal]

Yes - you're full of shit.  That's why I hang around here .... loads & loads of it to wallow in -:)

 

It's the house with the dormers that I have just lost.  The disappointment runs really deep - not in my mind oddly enough, it's in my body.  The guy was such a crook he got me to drive 1200 km on a 15 hour trip to do his negotiations with the building inspector promising to sign the deal if I got the negotiations right.  I got them right - got the costs down to a third of what they had been.  Once the arsehole had that information he didn't return any of my calls.  The urge to kill is high.  So I think I will go out and cast my vote now in the municipal elections & vote for all the parties who have promised to give us more street than pothole in town.  I think that means a spoiled ballot and more potholes ....

The gates are thrown wide open to fate ... welcome mat and all.

 

 

 

 

 

[Cal]

Have to agree with you Waldo about the aging brain & what it gets up to ... I found a research paper proposing the following hypothesis:

 

Abstract: I argue that Plato was right in claiming that justice is more profitable,

 more rational, and more intrinsically valuable than injustice, and that this is particularly true for business organizations.

 

  ... I wonder who funded that stupendous piece of research ... Does one laugh or just throw up all over the place & then die?

 

 

[littleoldme]

If this is you guys idea of funny.............. I'll have to send my sense of humor in to be reworked, lol.

[Cal]

 

LOM you are right ... wrong thread.  I'm trying to laugh at the absurdity of it all ... read somewhere that that is the 'enlightened' thing to do.

 

Anyone got a good joke? 

 

 

[pan]

Blame BO's post on the Yes Men's latest (who are funny) and the subsequent responses that were definitely not funny from my post on.

 

In Assisi, Italy.    Flight to Boston was late, mad dash to the extreme other side of the airport.  Al Italia employees chastised us for being late.  "It wasn't our fault!"  Telling the TSA guy that it was OK - pat me down, but do it quickly we are going to miss our flight to Rome - but he insisted upon doing his little speech telling me what he was going to do......the downside of titanium hips is I will always set off the metal alarms. That isn't funny nor fun. 28 hours of travel. Jet-lagged.  But it is great to be here.

 

Breakfast. Prosciutto, eggs, local bacon (prosciutto crudo), figs, fresh cheese, fresh strawberries, cherries, homeade fig jam, chocolate filled cookies, bread, and caffe. Also local pressed olive oil and homemade wine vinegar.

 

Ms. Medusa is setting up our electronics before we start exploring, she just got the little Pentax camera to take the date and time.  Going to take a long walk, perhaps to Assisi - 8 to 10 km away - have to get the sitting in economy section aches out through some trodding upon mountain roads.

 

non sequiter alert - with all of BO's shit we should start digging because there is bound to be a horse somewhere... (old joke about optimists).

[littleoldme]

Damn, I'm so very jealous!

[littleoldme]

The Hotel Bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"
The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is only made out for $50.00." "That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager..
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

[Cal]

lol

 

[littleoldme]

My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...???