We need a thread for funny stuff.

[littleoldme]

This cracked me up


The Darwin Awards


Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.


Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he
ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.



Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When
it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach
used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach
him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to
free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.


Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed
into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
mouth and pull the trigger.


Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front
door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the
store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers
also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the
scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot
wounds. Ballistics identified rou nds from 7 different weapons. No one
else was hurt.


HONOURABLE MENTION


Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at
2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window
to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window
was closed.


RUNNER UP


Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival
at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a
bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by.
They secured
one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other ! ;to the bridge.
His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot
off at the ankle.. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water
and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never
located.


AND THE WINNER IS...

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the
elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit
happens'


IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES
FROM THE GENE POOL

[littleoldme]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGb8pMIeY6w

[BO]

These are pretty old. But still a couple of my favorites. And hey! We love cats.

[littleoldme]

sorry Bo but that 1st one isnt even a little bit funny did they kill a cat to make that..............:o(

[BO]

I think they had to kill dozens to get it just right.

 

OK, really. The decapitation was computer generated. Not cats died.

[waldopaper]

cutting some insulation today... and the "orange guys" got in my way- and i thought of these videos. 

 

special effects, mum.  it's WAY to hard to kill a kitty.  how else would you follow a bird?  seriously... i wanted to see them flop on the other side of my insulation.  little bastards.  but they're still my buddies even if they piss in my shoes... which they do... for revenge.

[BO]

'Round here I threaten to kill the damn things on a daily basis. They're always knockin' shit off shelves, begging for something to eat, or walkin' cross my keyboard. But when it comes time to really put the things to sleep--we've had several that lived over 15 years--I let my wife do it. Last time I tried, I was a blubbering baby. Guess you could say I'm a bit of a pussy myself. 

Still think the video is funny, though. Very clever.

 

[pan]

Since the cat was beheaded....would that make it an al Qaeda sports car?  At least in the imagination of the mouth breathers who, when ever they are defending US morality in the Middle East always respond "but they cut people's heads off!"

[littleoldme]

Ok, Sorry early mornin', coffee deprived brain reaction.

Tippy Toes, my 20 year old maine coon passed about 6 months ago :o), he was one of my babies. Hubby found him in a field behind his work place. His little eyes weren't even open yet, so I became the mama.

I bottle fed him every three hours around the clock, wiped his little butt with a warm wet wash cloth(mama cats lickin their little butts make them pee, probably more info then ya needed) he still tried to nurse on any wrinkle in my clothes he could till the day he died.

[pan]

Understand completely.  4 years after we had to put Miss Becky to sleep due to lung cancer, Ms. Medusa still feels guilty - we were giving her morphine in order to drain her lungs about every six days and, between the recovery from the procedure and the fluid massing, the cat had about two days where she was "back to her old self".

 

We are trying to prepare ourselves for the passing of Ms. Becky's litter mate - Fatty has been receiving twice daily shots of insulin for nearly half of his diabetic life.  Glucosomine helps with the arthritis (he no longer drags his back legs around).  He pretty much has stopped eating dry food so we make a soup with water, a fiber pill to keep him regular, and special low protein canned food to stave off the effects of kidney failure.  But he seems happy - been going outside much more this summer - is very affectionate.  He has been part of the family for 17 years.  The inevitable will still come as a shock.

[littleoldme]

Its like losing a family member. I've already let it be known there will be no replacements.

When ever someone would find a critter my phone would ring, now as soon as the words, "I've found a kit..." come out of their mouth I say NO! lol

[pan]

When we were living in San Pedro, CA (with one of the highest feral cat populations in the LA basin), Ms. Medusa discovered a gray female and an orange male that were abandoned by their mother - the kittens weren't weened and barely had opened their eyes - so we went to the store to get a can of Simulac and attempted eye droppers and the end of a rag dipped in the fake milk to no avail.  We were much relieved when the mother returned to gather her kittens that night.

 

A few weeks later I saw the gray kitten (a bit of a runt) mewing incessantly in the direction of an overturned 5 gallon bucket. It was a bit of a Lassie moment as I felt that she really, really wanted me to look under the bucket to find her brother.   Not being a "cat person" and more of a "dog guy" I insisted that, though we could keep the cats they were not going to come inside.......then they could come inside but only in the kitchen......but not the bedroom.......oh well, they own the entire house.

[Cal]

Aviation and Military Wisdom

 

 

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' 

- Infantry Journal-

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'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' 

- US.Air Force Manual -

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'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' 

- General MacArthur -

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'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.' 

- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.-

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'Tracers work both ways.' 

-  U.S. Army Ordnance Manual-

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'Five second fuses only last three seconds.'

-Infantry Journal -

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The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you. 

-Basic Flight Training Manual-

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'Any ship can be a minesweeper.. Once.' 

 Maritime Ops Manual -

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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do..' 

- Unknown Marine Recruit-

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'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.' 

-USAF Ammo Troop-

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'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.' 

- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' 

-Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.' 

-Unknown Author-

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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.' 

- Fixed Wing Pilot-

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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.' 

-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

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'Without ammunition, the USAF is just an expensive flying club.' 

-Unknown Author-

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'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.' If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because you're the pilot.' 

-Pre-flight Briefing from a 104 Pilot-

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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.' 

-Sign over Control Tower Door-

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'Never trade luck for skill.' 

-Author Unknown-

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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?'  and 'Oh S...!' or (appended from the Arkansas Air National Guard):"Hold my beer and watch this!" 

-Authors Unknown-

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'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.' 

-Basic Flight Training Manual-

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'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation - we have never left one up there!' 

- Unknown Author -

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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.' 

- Emergency Checklist-

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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;  it can just barely kill you.'

- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -

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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' 

-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-

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'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.' 

- Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk-

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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' 

- Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?' The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'  

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Remember: there are more airplanes in the sea, then submarines in the air.