Life in the Empire
We need a thread for funny stuff.
The Darwin Awards
Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he
ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When
it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach
used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach
him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to
free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed
into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front
door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the
store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers
also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the
scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot
wounds. Ballistics identified rou nds from 7 different weapons. No one
else was hurt.
HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at
2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window
to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window
was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival
at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a
bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by.
They secured
one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other ! ;to the bridge.
His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot
off at the ankle.. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water
and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never
located.
AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the
elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit
happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES
FROM THE GENE POOL
Views: 539
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by BO on
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My dad would have liked those, Cal. He was a B-24 flight instructor in Denver, Colorado during the big one. He used to buzz the family farm in North Dakota on some of his training flights. His mom (my grandmother) always reminded him to fly low--thinking it was safer to be close to the ground. Damn, now I'm feeling melancholy...I surely do miss them all.
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Permalink Reply by Cal on
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-:) Laughed out loud on some of those, but made me melancholy too - my dad would also have enjoyed them. He flew extremely small little aeroplanes in the early 60's as a past time. We lived in Zambia. Other kids used to go to the sea (places like Durban) for their holidays. We used to puke our hearts out in the back seat of a small plane heading off to have our holiday at a mission hospital in the middle of the Congo. Then I got older and got flown to boarding school in South Africa in a 'Fokker' ... I didn't know the 'f' word at that stage of my life but it seemed like such a rude name for a plane.
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Permalink Reply by littleoldme on
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Permalink Reply by pan on
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We aren't laughing enough these days.....an essay on the place of humor within the revolution.....not funny but still worth the read.
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Permalink Reply by waldopaper on
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This IS funny stuff, pan... but then-- i got a morbid sense of humor these days. Like the whole Trayvon thing... how fucked up is THAT? Well... it's a political microcosm. Colliding stereotypes. A fucking fashion war.
First... the scene... a "suburb" of Orlando-- a blight raised out of the swamp by Disney simulacra about 30 years ago. Now the characters: Trayvon... already on the cell-phone for 400 minutes that day talking to "a 16-yr-old girl" back in Miami... (if we find out the chick is "white," the boogers will be falling off the table-bottom like butt flakes) and finally finds time at half-time during an NBA game to go buy... Skittles. Oh yeah... "Trayvon" is "African American." Big surprise there.
Then there's George Zimmerman... an armed snitch wanna-be cop raised by an authoritarian father and a Peruvian mother who calls 911 to report open garage doors and... oh yeah... "...black youths doing things." You really don't need a PhD in social psychology or to be a master playwright to plot this one out. The gnarly part is figuring out how George can hold a pistol and a cell-phone at the same time... but maybe they both were on headsets. At least the kid was.
The whole thing would have been funny if George would have shot his SUV's badly-engineered exploding gas tank attempting a cop-show quick-draw while on his cell phone and melted all the plastic yard-Santas... but instead he managed to kill the kid. Woah. Not funny. Trayvon and George... a typically silly-ass American story with a very un-funny ending. Now the medium gotta do their speculum on the simulacrum. Quick now... try to fly with whichever character you identify.
"Neither!" says withered waldo in the corner. Both these diddles shoulda put down their toys and read a fukkin BOOK... instead of watchin bukka-baw and playing hall-monitor. And think about this: all the "black youths" whose parents can't buy them Skittles and cell phones... and all the porgies with "issues" are ka-pweening around out there with 9mm i-pods in their high-water pants and hoodies. Ain't that a fucking scream? Just wait until you see as many of the noobs packing as we see them now yakking.
Is there a fucking "app" for that?
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That was a beauty, Waldo. You haven't lost your touch.
Stoopid is funny, but a country of sociopaths is downright scary. And sociopathy defines American culture. In fact, there's so many candidates now, it's hard to elect the latest poster boy. Next week it'll be someone else. The news media can't keep up. Simply put...this is what society looks like when it ends.
Oh well, back to funny...
Woman falls into lake Michigan while 'texting.'
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Sales 101: 1. You are paying way less than this is worth. 2. Your toughest competitor just ordered one. 3. All cool people already have two of them. Final exam : greed, fear and envy. Ba-ding. (rim shot) .
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