Life in the Empire
We need a thread for funny stuff.
This cracked me up
The Darwin Awards
Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he
ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When
it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach
used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach
him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to
free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed
into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front
door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the
store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers
also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the
scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot
wounds. Ballistics identified rou nds from 7 different weapons. No one
else was hurt.
HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at
2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window
to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window
was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival
at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a
bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by.
They secured
one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other ! ;to the bridge.
His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot
off at the ankle.. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water
and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never
located.
AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the
elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit
happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES
FROM THE GENE POOL
The Darwin Awards
Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he
ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When
it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach
used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach
him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to
free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed
into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front
door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the
store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers
also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the
scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot
wounds. Ballistics identified rou nds from 7 different weapons. No one
else was hurt.
HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at
2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window
to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window
was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival
at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a
bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by.
They secured
one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other ! ;to the bridge.
His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot
off at the ankle.. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water
and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never
located.
AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the
elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit
happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES
FROM THE GENE POOL
Views: 539
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by littleoldme on
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ROTFFLMAO
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A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .............
(scroll down)
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
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Permalink Reply by BO on
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San Francisco to vote on naming sewer after George Bush
"In November, alongside casting their ballot for the next president, the people of San Francisco will also vote on a measure to rename one of the city's largest sewage works the George W Bush Sewage Plant, to provide a "fitting monument" to the outgoing commander-in-chief's achievements."
Read the article. It's funny. No shit.
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I think it's some what appropriate.
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Permalink Reply by pan on
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Though sewer works are repositories for waste, not the producers of excrement. W is the opposite of a sewage work, he is the inverse King Midas, turning everything he touches into a disastrous pile of fetid, diseased, shit. If they had an anti-sewage plant that belched out corrosive manure that stuck to everything and spread with a geometric progression - that would be an appropriate namesake for him.
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We live across the way from a shit plant, on rainy or humid days, the shall we say, odor is very remini"scent" of George's reign.
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" If they had an anti-sewage plant that belched out corrosive manure that stuck to everything and spread with a geometric progression - that would be an appropriate namesake for him."
I think you just described my cat. ;-)
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LOL
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This bastard thinks he is funny.
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