We need a thread for funny stuff.

[littleoldme]

This cracked me up


The Darwin Awards


Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.


Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he
ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.



Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When
it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach
used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach
him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to
free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.


Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed
into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
mouth and pull the trigger.


Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front
door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the
store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers
also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the
scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot
wounds. Ballistics identified rou nds from 7 different weapons. No one
else was hurt.


HONOURABLE MENTION


Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at
2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window
to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window
was closed.


RUNNER UP


Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival
at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a
bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by.
They secured
one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other ! ;to the bridge.
His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot
off at the ankle.. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water
and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never
located.


AND THE WINNER IS...

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the
elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit
happens'


IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES
FROM THE GENE POOL

[littleoldme]

AND THIS IS HOW THE FIGHT STARTED…
 
 
 
 
 One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
 
 The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
 
 When she asked me why, I replied,
 
 "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
 
 And that's how the fight started....
 
 ________________________________
 
 My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
 
 I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
 'No,' she answered. I then said,
 
 'Is that your final answer?'
 
 She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

 
 So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
 
 And that's when the fight started...
 
 ________________________________
 
 
 My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
 
 I asked her, "Do you know him?"
 
 "Yes", she sighed,
 
 "He's my old boyfriend....I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
 
 "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
 
 And then the fight started...
 
 ________________________________
 
  When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer...always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
 
 When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house….was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
 
 The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
 
 ________________________________
 
 My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
 
 She asked, "What's on TV?"
 
 I said, "Dust."
 
 And then the fight started...
 
 ________________________________
 
 Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and Slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
 
 I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed..
 
 I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
 
 "The weather out there is terrible."
 
 My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
 
 And that's how the fight started...
 
 ________________________________
 
 My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
 
 I bought her a bathroom scale.
 
 And then the fight started.....
 
 _______________________________
 
 After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security .
 
 The woman behind the counter asked me for my driving license to verify my age.
 
 
 I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
 
 The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'
 
 So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
 
 She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
..
 
 When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
 
 She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
 
 And then the fight started...
 
 _______________________________
 
 My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
 She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
 
 "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
 I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
 
 I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
 
 And then the fight started........

[littleoldme]

Perks of reaching 50

or being over 60

And heading towards

70 or beyond!

1.

Kidnappers are not very

interested in you.

2.

In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first. 

3.

No one expects you to run  --  

anywhere.

4.

People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,

'Did I wake you?'

5.

People no longer view you as a

hypochondriac.

6.

There is nothing left

to learn the hard way.

7.

Things you buy now

won't wear out.

8.

You can eat

supper at 4 PM.

9..

You can live without sex

but not your glasses.

10.

You get into heated arguments

about pension plans.

11.

You no longer think of speed limits

as a challenge.

12.

You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter who walks

into the room. 

13.

You sing along

with elevator music.

14.

Your eyes won't get

much worse.

15.

Your investment in health insurance

is finally beginning to pay off.

16.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists

than the national weather service.

17.

Your secrets are safe with your friends

because they can't remember them either.

18.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to

a manageable size. 

19.

You can't remember

who sent you this list.


And you notice these are all

in big print

for your convenience. 


Forward this to everyone

you can remember

right now!

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER, NEVER , 

under any circumstances,

take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on

the same night!

 

[BO]

I'm sorry, I guess I'm a bit juvenile. But I do find the Wiener Weener story to be absolutely hilarious--especially, as portrayed by Jon Stewart.

 

[littleoldme]

I saw this and laughed my butt off. Thx for posting it, so I can watch it again.

[Cal]

 

Philosopher's plea from on high in China: Do Nothing (and laugh)

by David West

03 June 2011

A message to Americans - STOP PURSUING!   Opinions on the benefits or detriments of marijuana are very mixed, so it would seem that we should listen to those with most factual experience. Several members of the BTI Institute are participating in daily experiments, and they are reporting amazing success. But not all these reports can be taken at face value. In many cases, attributing all of the success to marijuana could be erroneous, because many other ingestants such as tea, coffee, alcohol, tobacco, and cocaine could have contributed to the success. But in summary, no failures have been reported, although there were some reports of 'no effect.' This has been put down to a defective batch of humans. Meanwhile, on a different note (please hum 'mee', as in doh, ray, mee), over in the mind laboratory, the alchemy experiment proceeds -- producing gold from recycled material. The base material used is an average American -- we can find nothing more base. First we have to remove many misguided thoughts. Most Americans are concerned with following or being followed, as they are known to be in pursuit of happiness. We would like to tell them that if they would just stay still one moment and STOP PURSUING, then they would have a much better chance of happiness finding them. This ceasure of pursuing would not be a selfish act, because the entire world's population would heave a huge sigh of relief that the lunatics with the big guns have grown up at last, and additionally the failing experiment's health problems would be eased significantly. Their constant reference to 'the right to bare arms' needs to be updated to include legs too and must relate to all this misguided and unnecessary pursuing. The world's environmental, political, financial, religious, and social problems could be solved easily. If every American reading this actually does what it says, if only for one day at first, then the world will turn to gold for every inhabitant. This is the alchemy experiment. All you have to do is to choose one day per week when you concentrate all your intent on doing nothing. This will be a new activity for Americans -- it is already very popular in many parts of the world such as Mexico, Spain and Laos, but somehow America seems to have missed out. So this experiment is an attempt to bring the wonders of alchemy to all Americans, wherever they may reside (we clearly understand that many of you reside outside the failing experiment, or would prefer to). Buddha was the greatest teacher of doing nothing. Having sat on ones own legs for a few minutes, it's impossible to stand or walk, so doing nothing is the result - a great teacher -- but not truly recognised by Americans, most of whom haven't seen their legs for a few years. The advice is simple. 1) Choose one day this week when you have nothing really important that must be done. 2) On that day, and that day every week, choose to do nothing. 3) When you have done nothing for four days in one month, make it two days per week, and so on. 4) It is now June -- by August, we can be doing nothing 2 days per week, by September three, and by year end, all the worlds problems will have ceased, and it will once again be possible for Americans to consider dong something, but hopefully oh so very different to their incredibly stupid ways of 2011. This is the solution to all the prophesied 2012 problems, the outcome of which is totally dependent on whether the average American does something -- or nothing. If they succeed in doing nothing, then they will create sufficient space for the rest of us to clear up their mess, and get on with a more sensible and peaceful life. But for now, it is essential that we all commence THIS WEEK, or else we will end up having to do everything ourself. It is essential to learn and practice doing nothing. Hints. The use of marijuana has been discovered to be a great aid to many people. They find that their ability to do nothing is greatly enhanced by the use of marijuana, and we have already seen how this contributes in so many ways to the welfare of our beloved planet's environmental woes. So please join us in our world-wide quest to encourage everyone to do nothing, and don't Bogart. 'Do nothing' our motto for life. The need for 'doing' is created by a preoccupation with the body. Once identification with 'just a body' is broken, then we realise that we also have a mind, though little used when first encountered. Marijuana has helped many people to make that first important encounter, though 'no effect' is still registered by some, who appear to be not ready or ripe yet, or are possibly of a genetically misengineered variety. Although humans gained the ability to stand, walk, and sit vertically, this ability is over-rated, to the detriment of the far more relaxing prone positions. We find that in 2011, most human beings spent most hours unprone, and that is terribly bad for the health -- look at any animal for an example. The act of asking someone else to do something is the same as doing it ourself. There are few guidelines in this open experiment, but the major one is that any attempt to do or cause anyone to do anything is the same as failure to do nothing. This guideline makes the experiment far more likely to succeed, because when everyone stops asking others to do things for them, it becomes much easier for everyone to do nothing. If you feel that you might run short of food during this experiment, take Buddha's example - go knock on your neighbour's door, and take a begging bowl -- this still constitutes doing nothing within the guidelines of the experiment. We must apologise to those religions that require kneeling, standing and sitting exercises. This is a complete failure in doing nothing, and is entirely unnecessary. All you have to do to get your fair share of the gold is -- nothing. Please help our cause, and do nothing. Thank you.   http://www.culturechange.org/cms/content/view/733/1/

[littleoldme]

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet 
parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs a threw her out into the back yard! She better not s hit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.   :)

[littleoldme]

Sad News

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.  He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.

Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was

kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was considered a very

smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.  Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a

crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.                                  

[waldopaper]

B(e)(a)(u)tter bre(a)d th(a)(e)n (sp)re(a)d.  Wow that really deteriorated...

[littleoldme]

EMPLOYEE NOTICE         Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.   This scheme will be known as RAPE ( Retire Aged People Early ).   Persons selected to be  RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the  SHAFT program ( Special Help After Forced Termination ).   Persons who have been  RAPED  and  SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program ( System Covering Retired-Early Workers ). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.   Persons who have been RAPED could get  AIDS ( Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse ) or HERPES ( Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance ).   Obviously persons who have  AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any   further by Congress.   Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT ( Special High Intensity Training ) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of  SHIT they give our citizens.   Should you feel that you do not receive  enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.   Sincerely,       The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives ( E..V.I.L. ). PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

[BO]

Pretty funny, LOM. Someone sent this vid link to my wife yesterday. Although, I'm not sure it's comedy. I experience this shit every damn day.

 

[Mouse]

Magnificent contributions, will stagger up the stairs coughing and crying with laughter.  The retirement age is being steadily raised to 75 here.  

 

[littleoldme]

Really good one Bo. Lmao