We need a thread for funny stuff.

[littleoldme]

This cracked me up


The Darwin Awards


Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.


Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he
ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.



Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When
it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach
used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach
him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to
free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.


Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed
into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
mouth and pull the trigger.


Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front
door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the
store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers
also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the
scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot
wounds. Ballistics identified rou nds from 7 different weapons. No one
else was hurt.


HONOURABLE MENTION


Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at
2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window
to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window
was closed.


RUNNER UP


Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival
at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a
bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by.
They secured
one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other ! ;to the bridge.
His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot
off at the ankle.. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water
and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never
located.


AND THE WINNER IS...

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the
elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit
happens'


IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES
FROM THE GENE POOL

[hannah j]

i washed my cellphone today....i did, in my front loader, i should never wear pants with pockets.....

[BO]

Every dead cellphone is a good cellphone--lessin' you be a doctor or a fireman.

[littleoldme]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala
where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and
helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked
into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was
sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.....
How much water did you drink?!!"

[hannah j]

we don't have a landline, and my daughter calls me every day....but i agree with you on principle

[littleoldme]

Okay Hanna, that's a me kinda thing to do.

[hannah j]

this was the one i got to replace the one that fell in my coffee-

[Mouse]

I love that stoned koala joke.

I've never had a cellphone and don't plan to have one. Ha ha..

[Mouse]

More hollow laughter off stage.
Silence.

Cough.

[littleoldme]

It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having t o picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears .
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

[hannah j]

no offense, but having had a flat tire while driving in the middle of the night, and being able to call AAA to get help putting the spare on my toyota dolphin rv, convinced me of the liberating value of a cell, there was no way i was going to flag someone down at 1am an hour north of oklahoma city, i have always been someone who likes my independence, but am not up to changing a truck tire. i have service also when the power goes out, i can't imagine how many lives have been saved by an emergency call when there is no phone handy. it doesn't cost any more than having a landline and using some long distance, and all my children can call me, and each other for free any time.

[BO]

Good for you. I'm sure you are a responsible cell phone user.

But truth be told, I'll bet cell phones kill more people than they save.

For emergencies, they're great. So is morphine.

And don't get BO started on privacy issues as well as implicit narcissism.

Nothing repulses BO more than some zombie walking around discussing his/her love life on one of those head set phones while out in public. Bo wants to kill all of them. Public masturbation. I don't do it. Neither should you.

[Mouse]

Yes responsible cell phone use is excellent. Marvellous things when you need to be rescued.

Sadly on the other hand they look to me to destroy conversation as it occurs in groups of people in each other's physical presence, frequently intruding. And what I have seen of texting combined with the presence of small children is heartbreaking.

My daughter wants me to accept a cellphone as a gift but I have told her I don't want one ever. Being alone is more enjoyable like this. There are too many intrusions and interruptions of trains of thoughts.

Besides that I am not in the least bit convinced of their safety. I gather there was a mistake in the trials and the caged mice in the control group got more tumours because the stress of the carousel the cellphone mice were housed in had a protective influence, invalidating several trials.

It's illegal to talk on a cellphone while driving here in England. You can still see people doing it though.